That’s right; the residents of Pearl Harbor are having their first party, and it’s SPOOOKY!!

Come celebrate ALL HALLOW’S EVE (a.k.a. Arbor Day) with them, er, us!

You must come wearing a costume, or else risk a costume from THE BOX OF SHAME!!!

Fun! Cool People! Virgin Sacrifices! (where not prohibited by law) Refreshments!

See how SCAAAAARY we’ll make our basement!

(Okay, well, we actually don’t have to do anything to our basement to make it scary.)

So, come to our party! You don’t have anything to lose… except your SOUL!!

And you probably won’t lose that either.

Confused? Consult the FAQ (the fabricated array of queries):

Q. Pearl Harbor? What’s that?

A. Pearl Harbor is the residence of (in no particular order) Joe Calzaretta, Alexis Ellwood, and Jen Mills.

Q. Where is Pearl Harbor?

A. We are at 354 Pearl Street in Cambridge. We are very close to the BU Bridge & Trader Joe’s (no relation).

Q. Could you give me walking directions?

A. Um, sure. You pick up your left foot, and put it in front of you. Then you do the same with your right foot. Repeat as needed.

Q. Very funny, smart-ass. Now about those walking directions?

A. Okay. If you’re coming from East Campus or the Central Square T station, walk along Mass Ave until you hit Pearl Street. (There is a CVS on the corner.) Turn on Pearl Street and walk, essentially, its entire length. (It’s about a 15 minute walk.) 354 is the second house from the end on the left. It is the right half of a bluish-gray townhouse.

If you’re coming from West Campus, walk along Memorial Drive all the way past Tang dormitory & the Hyatt. At the rotary you should cross the street all the way over toward the elementary school, on Granite Street. Walk along Granite Street until you reach Pearl Street (there’s a raised pedestrian crosswalk there). We’re the second house on the right.

Q. Could you give me driving directions? And if you mention the gas pedal, so help me, I’ll kill you.

A. Sheesh, okay! If you can get to Central Square in Cambridge, turn onto Pearl Street (CVS on corner) and drive all the way down until the end. Park anywhere you can.

If you’re coming from Boston, take the BU Bridge into Cambridge. Go straight (do not enter the rotary or Memorial Drive) on Brookline and make the first left you can, onto Henry Street. Henry Street ends at Pearl Street, which is one-way to your left. Turn onto Pearl and park anywhere you can.

Or, you could get into Cambridge however you want and take Memorial Drive to the BU Bridge rotary and follow the above instructions.

Q. Can I bring a guest?

A. Sure! If you’re bringing, like, twenty guests, let us know first. Oh, also, we expect all guests to be able to pass the following quiz:

1) Vomit belongs:

a) in the toilet

b) in Alexis’s coral reef tank

c) on a nice, plush carpet

d) to whomever can spend an entire night in the haunted mansion

2) Partygoers should drink:

a) responsibly

b) until they assault others in a drunken rage

c) until they pass out

d) until they try to flirt with the torchiere lamp

Q. Gee, I’m still pretty confused!

A. If there’s something else you want to know, send us email at PearlHarbor@mit.edu or give us a call at 576-2877.

Okay, bye! Hope to see you…

…IN HELL!!!!

(or something appropriately spooky)

(quiz answers: 1a, 2a. We would also have accepted 2d.)

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Invitation by Joseph Calzaretta. The format for this invitation was inspired by the work of Brooke Tarnoff. Check out her invitations. Please realize that by clicking on this link you’re not necessarily invited to Brooke’s parties.