J Calzaretta
Hopkins vs. the Falling Heavy Object
Hopkins was rushing at 8:58 to get to the office without being late. His strides were quite hurried and harried and long, and his mind failed to notice that something was wrong. So while others around him took cover and stared, Hopkins ignored the big thing in the air. And it wasn’t until he had stopped at a light that he had the faint inkling of something not right. He first was aware of a whistling sound, and then of a shadow which grew on the ground. And tilting his head to look up toward the sky, he was suddenly certain: "I’m going to die."
And the heavy thing rapidly traversed the space that remained between it and our poor Hopkins’ face. Hopkins threw up his hands as the object drew near. It plunged and it hurtled; he cowered in fear. One hundred feet, fifty feet, twenty feet, ten. Two yards, a cubit, six inches, and then:
And then nothing happened. Hopkins was alive. The object had stopped at four inches or five. Hopkins gazed up in shock (as did bystanding folk) and was doubly amazed when the heavy thing spoke!
"HOW DARE YOU?" it boomed as it hung there suspended, "YOUR BEHAVIOR JUST NOW MAKES ME DEEPLY OFFENDED! I NEVER INTENDED ON CAUSING YOU HARM, YET YOU CRINGED AND YOU FLINCHED AND YOU GAPED IN ALARM!"
Hopkins’ mind reeled as he tried to make sense of this strange situation, and said in defense: "I’m sorry my actions were lacking in tact, but how else should a person expect to react? You were falling upon me! You threatened collision! Why is my fear being met with derision?"
The thing floated ’round in a quick angry arc. "WHAT A REPUGNANTLY MASSIST REMARK! THERE WAS NO COLLISION! THE THREAT WAS NOT TRUE! HOW DARE YOU PREJUDGE THE THINGS HEAVY THINGS DO?"
Hopkins was stunned by the thing’s accusation. He’d never felt guilty of discrimination. He’d never felt biased by race, sex, or creed, so Hopkins took umbrage at what it decreed. "I, sir, am no bigot! I’m rather enlightened! But I still must defend my right to be frightened! It’s only a question of simple mechanics! The math tells a man he is right if he panics! The precepts of physics are valid, of course! It’s all just momentum, inertia, and force!"
"PHYSICS? ALL BUNK!" it replied with defiance, "A CONTEMPTIBLE FRAUD LIKE THE REST OF YOUR ‘SCIENCE’. PREDICTING BEHAVIOR WITHOUT A JUST CAUSE. TAKING THEORIES AND HEARSAY AND CALLING THEM ‘LAWS’! IF IT’S REALLY SO SIMPLE, AS YOU YOURSELF SAID, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN BIG OBJECTS FALL ON FOLK’S HEADS?"
"Well, luckily, no. On every occasion, the target performed a successful evasion. But I’ve seen it in movies. I’ve read it in tales. I’ve read it in sundry electronic mails. I’ve seen it in many a comic cartoon, where characters’ fates are quite inopportune. I’ve seen it in newspapers and Time Magazine, and last but not least on the old TV screen."
Hopkins was confident about his reply, but the big heavy object released a big sigh. "CAN YOU NOT SEE THE PROFOUND CONTRADICTION? MOST OF YOUR SOURCES ARE NOTHING BUT FICTION! AND THE ONE OR TWO TRUE STORIES YOU HAVE IN MIND ARE JUST NOT ENOUGH TO JUDGE ME AND MY KIND! IF A SINGLE HUMAN COMMITS MURDER SOMEWHERE, DO WE SEND ALL MANKIND TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR? BIG THINGS GET MISTREATED BY MEN ALL THE TIME. PERHAPS I SHOULD CHARGE YOU FOR EACH OF THOSE CRIMES."
And as if the thing’s sentence would be carried out, it resumed falling, which made Hopkins shout, "No, please, heavy object! I beg you to wait! Please let us continue our friendly debate! If I can convince you that I’m not to blame, will you go back to the place from whence you came?" The heavy thing once again halted mid-air. "ALL RIGHT," it responded, "I GUESS THAT SEEMS FAIR. BUT IF YOUR NEXT ARGUMENT FAILS TO PERSUADE, CONSIDER YOUR PUNISHMENT MERELY DELAYED."
And though Hopkins was nervous, and covered in sweat, and deeply afraid of the heavy thing’s threat, he gathered his thoughts to support his position, cleared his throat twice, and gave this exposition: "You claimed I was prejudiced, and I fully agree. But EVERYONE’s prejudiced, as you will soon see. If you always wanted to know all the facts, before you reacted, you’d never react! There’s just never enough of the right information, and if you just wait then it leads to stagnation! Sometimes you just have to rely on assumption! Why you’re just as guilty of this type of gumption. You assumed I knew English. You assumed I could hear. You assumed you discerned an expression of fear. Did you verify? quantify? fully observe? Did you give all the data the thought they deserve? Did you fail to neglect the submicroscopic? Did you read every book which pertains to the topic? Of course not! Who’d bother to take such a breather? Time waits for no man (nor heavy thing, neither.)
"As long as we realize that they could be wrong, prejudgments are needed to get us along. And though I agree that they lead to infractions, people rely on their quick gut reactions. And we will continue to function this way, correcting the judgments which lead us astray. And this gives us science, and this gives us lore. This gives us religion, and many things more. Stereotypes and the products thereof are useful when tempered by kindness and love." And that’s what he said, without pause or revision. "I’m finished. I humbly await your decision."
And the big heavy object swayed side to side, for about thirty seconds, and then it replied: "I’M NOT SURE I AGREE WITH YOUR WHOLE DISSERTATION, BUT CLEARLY THE MATTER DESERVES CONTEMPLATION. SURELY I’LL GRANT THAT ASSUMPTIONS ARE NEEDED, BUT I THINK THERE’S A LIMIT THAT SOME HAVE EXCEEDED. I NEED TIME TO DETERMINE WHICH VIRTUE IS GREATER, SO I’LL GO AWAY NOW AND COME BACK AGAIN LATER. I’LL HAVE TO CONSIDER ALL ISSUES INVOLVED. IT MAY TAKE A WHILE UNTIL IT’S RESOLVED. BUT IF YOU’RE FOUND GUILTY, WHATEVER THE YEAR, BEWARE THAT YOUR SENTENCE WILL BE MOST SEVERE. UNTIL NEXT WE MEET, MR. HOPKINS, GOODBYE." And with that, the thing rocketed back to the sky.
The crowd cheered as the object flew to the heavens, but Hopkins pressed on; it was now 9:07. He’d get to the office nine minutes too late, so he loosened his tie while he hastened his gait. He hadn’t the time to consider this plight, and he crossed the street quickly and walked out of sight.
And Hopkins lived on for many more seasons, making assumptions for various reasons. The big heavy object never returned, so he never knew what sorts of things it had learned. Did it ever decide that Hopkins was correct? Or does it lack data it needs to select?