Death of a Medium
a play in one act, as such
written extemporaneously by J. Calzaretta and B. Tarnoff
Curtains drawn to reveal FEMALE LEAD standing on the bare stage.
[enter JOHN]
John: Hey! Here I am: John, a character in this play, on stage. Hello, Female Lead!
Female Lead: Hey, John. How's it going?
John: It is going okay, with me, here on stage.... the stage on which we are both standing.
How is it with you, Female Lead? And havest thou a name?
Female Lead: Well, I was born to my mother, who at the time was Eleanor Ofthespecies.
When I was four, she married Lincoln Lead.
I am well, but doomed to wander the earth as Female Lead.
John Impersonator: Well, Fee, if I may call you "Fee", here on the stage on which we both
stand. Why don't you marry me, and you will be freed of your awful name!
Female: Oh, yes! Yes!
John: Oh, happiest of days! Now we will get married right now, on the stage here,
on which we both and soon three more people will be standing.
[Enter PASTORABBI, FIRST WITNESS, and SECOND WITNESS]
[scene cuts to a hospital room. FEMALE is on the delivery table while JOHN stands beside her. Also present is DOCTOR OBEE GEEWHYEN and NURSE RATSHIT]
(how does the scene cut in a play?)
Doctor Obee Geewhyen: I think I see the head!
Female: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
John, you bastard, on this stage, it is you who put me into such a predicament!
Nurse Ratshit: Calm down, Mrs. Impersonator.
Female: Calm? CALM?!
John: Ow! Please let go of my genitalia, or I will become unable to do this thing again
to you here on this stage or anywhere else.
Female: Good! (passes out)
Doctor Geewhyen: The muttonchop sideburns on the baby's head seem to be causing
some minor complications!
Nurse Ratshit: Will we have to do an E-Section?
Female: [comes to with baby on her chest] He's beautiful. let's name him ELVIS!
John: Yes he is beautiful! What a glorious event to occur on the
stage here or perhaps in a TV studio where many of us are standing or lying down!
Female: Elvis Impersonator, you will do great things in your life.
Elvis Impersonator: Whaaa! Mama! Oh, momma! Thankyouverrymuch!
Momma! Since your baby left you, [music cues up]
[Curtains or perhaps nuclear bomb]
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